"I'm thinking of you, and I can't go to sleep! I truly hope things are going well in your life. I just want you to know, that even though time has passed, I understand this is still difficult and awkward. Honestly, for me, it is sometimes, too. I'm sure you know, as a woman, how our emotions can be! I do not take for granted your kindness or how you share your wonderful daughters. I care for them and love them very much. Thank you.

"I still sometimes think if we were not under these circumstances, and would have met by chance, we would be friends! I still pray for you every day and ask God to bless you always.

"With all love and respect,

Cheryl"

The power of a positive attitude can change many things, such as my relationship with my ex-husband and his new wife.

I am Zainab, and I received Cheryl's letter two years after my divorce. I always thought when people get divorced, they hate each other, and their new wife and their new husband are not supposed to like each other. That's the way it is in any culture, I noticed. Even though those people can be good people and had nothing to do with the divorce or came into the picture later on, we ex-wives shouldn't like our ex-husband's new wife, in any place in the world. That was my culture and how I was raised.

I grew up with this mentality, and I can honestly say when I found out my ex-husband was getting married again, without meeting and knowing anything about her (Cheryl), I did hate her. But very soon I asked myself, why do I hate her? What did she do to me? I don't even know her. I had to educate myself, and dig inside of myself, and I asked myself is it really her I hate or do I hate my ex-husband because of what he did to me? I never liked people who pass on their judgments without meeting or knowing people. I noticed I was doing the same thing. It was a process I had to go through. The first and the most important thing that I did were accepted my divorced. After all the struggles and lots of hard work for myself and for my kids, I decided to meet with Cheryl.

It was not as easy as it sounds. Before I met her, I had some negative expectations of her (I guess I was expecting her to be mean and nasty for my own good). But she was nothing like any of my expectations. I liked her right away. She seemed nice, caring and very respectful of me. I had no reason to hate her. She was good to my kids from day one. Actually, my ex-husband became a good father because of her. I never wished I would be in this situation one day. But sometimes we have no control over things that happen to us. The best thing we can do is just go day by day with a positive attitude and respect other people the same way we want others to respect us.

I remember in the beginning how hard it was for me. Some days I wished Cheryl would disappear so I didn't have to deal with her. I know now why I felt that way. It was a changing time in my life, and who likes change? Adopting new situations or new people is always challenging for many people. Later on, sometimes when we look back, we actually like the change we have gone through.

Cheryl and I have many differences, but they are racial and cultural differences, not human differences, I am from Pakistan, and she is white American. But we are both women, we both have hearts and feelings. If we put color and race to one side, then I may not see any difference between us. She and I are respecting each other and communicating properly for my daughters and for each other. We are not friends. But I must admit she has all those qualities which I want in my friends. After all this, I still can't see my ex-husband and her together standing in front of me. If someone invites them and me to the same event, we communicate ahead of time and ask each other who would like to go. We don't like to put the other person in awkward situations. Its still difficult for me, but it's ok, I expect that from myself. It's going to take some time and work before may be one day in future I can see my-self standing with my ex-husband and his wife under the same roof.

I didn't know positive attitudes are that powerful and can change any situation. I noticed that after I changed my attitude toward my divorce and toward Cheryl, I started feeling better about myself. I am proud of my attitude and that I didn't kept doing what I had learned from my culture and society. I don't know anyone who likes their ex-wife or ex-husband, but Cheryl and I can be examples for others. Someone has to take the first step, and I am glad we took that step. Change is hard, but good change is a lot better than following cultural footsteps over and over again.

Zainab Susi

July 12, 2006